Life in Limbo

Warning - not really a bleeding heart post, but could be considered a whining heart post!

When I was younger I used to say that I wanted to be like Peter-Pan (Peter-Pan Ann - since I am not a guy)and never grow up! Now that I am older, I realize that I didn't really mean it! My birthday is rapidly approaching and I will be(mumble mumble) years old. In my life I have been happily married for twenty-three years, have 4 great kids, have had good success in my work life (considering I don't have my degree - which was a huge mistake on my part! Kids!!!! Go to college - get your degree - whether you are encouraged too or not - just do it!!!! You won't go back and do it later, so don't fool yourself!!!!)...so why do I feel like there is something missing? I don't mean that the decisions I made were wrong. Or that I regret any of them...that isn't it at all. I love my family! I wouldn't change that part of my life. It is hard to explain... I have so many things that I enjoy and keeping my modesty intact - I am at least pretty good at...but nothing that I feel defines me outside of my family. I guess I don't feel like I have found my "calling" in life. What is it I am supposed to be? Yes, a wife, yes, a mother...but does it make me a bad wife and mother if I feel like there is supposed to be something else?

Why is it that there isn't anything else yet? Am I too flaky to make a decision about what to commit too? Am I too lazy to put the work/time into what it takes to make this type of commitment? Will I ever find the answers to these questions?

I guess for now the only thing I can say is.. "Please be patient - God isn't finished with me yet.